 Click The Images To Go To Page Indicated From "Barefoot" Bill L. wlash@avaya.com Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. Surrender is ESSENTIAL in order to recover from alcoholism. The "Big Book" devotes 51 pages to the first part of the surrender process; which is to admit we have a problem that we cannot help ourselves with. The Big Book authors begin by describing the physical, mental and spiritual symptoms of alcoholism. Later they ask us to acknowledge that we are alcoholics. Before we can do this, we need to know what the difference is between an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic. Much of the section called "The Doctor's Opinion" is based on two letters written by Dr. William D. Silkworth, a physician at Towns Hospital in New York City. In the late 1930's, very little was known about alcoholism, but what Dr. Silkworth wrote THEN is STILL relevant today. Please turn to Roman numeral page 23 (xxiii) in the Third Edition of the Big Book or page 25 (xxv) in the Fourth Edition. Dr. Silkworth describes how Bill Wilson, one of the co-founders of A.A., recovered from alcoholism. Bill had once been a well-respected Wall Street Stock Analyst, but he had lost everything due to his drinking. Page xxiii in the Third Edition or xxv in the Fourth Edition, middle of the page: "In late 1934 I attended a patient who, though he had been a competent businessman of good earning capacity, was an alcoholic of a type I had come to regard as hopeless. In the course of his third treatment he acquired certain ideas concerning a possible means of recovery. As part of HIS rehabilitation he commenced to present his conceptions to other alcoholics, impressing upon them they MUST do likewise with still others. This has become the basis of a rapidly growing fellowship of these men and their families. This man and over one hundred others appear to have recovered. I personally know scores of cases who were of the type with whom other methods had failed completely." For several years prior to 1934, Dr. Silkworth had been treating alcoholics at Towns Hospital with very little success. Then, during his third trip to the hospital, Bill Wilson discovered the spiritual solution to alcoholism, which he helped develop into the A.A. program. One of the things Bill learned while in Towns Hospital was that he HAD to work with other alcoholics in order to stay sober HIMSELF. He also learned that alcoholism was a physical AND a mental illness which ONLY a spiritual experience would conquer. On Roman numeral page 24 (xxiv) in the Third Edition or 26 (xxvi) in the Fourth Edition, the authors confirm that Dr. Silkworth was well aware of the physical aspects of alcoholism. Page xxiv or xxvi in the Fourth Edition, about a quarter of the way down the page: "The physician who, at our request, gave us this letter, has been kind enough to enlarge upon his views in another statement which follows. In this statement he confirms what we who have suffered alcoholic torture MUST believe - that the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are SURE that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, ANY picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is INCOMPLETE. The doctor's theory that we have an allergy to alcohol interests us. As laymen, our opinion as to its soundness may, of course, mean little. But as ex-problem drinkers, we can say that his explanation makes good sense. It explains many things for which we cannot otherwise account." Please notice the word "allergy" at the beginning of this last paragraph we just read. This word can be misunderstood since the only experience most of us have with allergies is that some substance brings about watery eyes, a rash, sneezing, swelling, or some other physical reaction. For almost all of us, these kinds of reactions to drinking alcohol did not happen, so what is Dr. Silkworth talking about? The definition for the word "allergy" is, "an abnormal reaction to any food, liquid, or substance." So let's look at a normal reaction to alcohol. Alcohol is a poison. The NORMAL reaction to alcohol is to have one or two drinks and not go any further. But, OUR reaction is MUCH different. We have one or two drinks just to get STARTED. Once an alcoholic starts drinking, because of the unique way it's processed in their body, we set off a craving where we want more alcohol. This is an allergy or abnormal reaction to alcohol because about nine out of ten people don't get that, once they start drinking. So an alcoholic CANNOT always predict how much they are going to drink, and a NON-alcoholic CAN always predict how much they are going to drink. Please turn to the first full paragraph on page xxvi or xxviii in the Fourth Edition, where the Big Book mentions the allergy again: "We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to THIS class (they are talking about alcoholics here) and NEVER occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can NEVER safely use alcohol in ANY FORM AT ALL; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve. Frothy (which means "long winded") emotional appeal seldom suffices (or rarely is enough). The message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight. In nearly ALL cases, their ideals MUST be grounded in a power GREATER than themselves, if they are to re-create their lives." Toward the bottom of Roman numeral page 28 (xxviii) in the Third Edition or page xxx in the Fourth Edition, Dr. Silkworth tells us that, because of this abnormal reaction, we MUST refrain from drinking. Page xxviii or xxx in the Fourth Edition, last full paragraph: "All these (they're talking about different types of alcoholics), and many others, have ONE symptom in common: they CANNOT start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving. This phenomenon as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people, and sets them apart as a distinct entity. It has NEVER been, by ANY treatment with which we are familiar, permanently eradicated (which means "removed"). The ONLY relief we have to suggest is ENTIRE abstinence." So much for alcoholics ever becoming moderate drinkers again. This section talks about how alcohol may not cook off when prepared with food: Step 1 - Alcohol Does Not Cook Off For more on the allergy, please read this page about the craving: The Phenomenon of Craving Abstinence might work if alcoholism was ONLY a PHYSICAL illness, but Dr. Silkworth found that alcoholism has a MENTAL component as well. In addition to an abnormal PHYSICAL reaction, we also have a mental obsession. Our mind does not tell us that what we are about to do is harmful, even as alcohol is bringing us closer and closer to death. No matter how much we may want to stop, if we do not seek a spiritual solution, sooner or later we will return to drinking. Dr. Silkworth describes this mental obsession in his letter on Roman numeral page 26 (xxvi) or xxviii in the Fourth Edition. Please keep in mind that Dr. Silkworth is talking about ALCOHOLICS here when he writes at the bottom of the page xxvi or xxviii in the Fourth Edition: "Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is SO elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes AT ONCE by taking a few drinks - drinks which they see OTHERS taking with impunity (which means freedom from problems). After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over (and over and over and over), and unless this person can experience an ENTIRE psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery." In case you didn't know, the word "psychic" means, "of or pertaining to the human mind, soul or spirit." So, a prominent doctor in the field of alcoholism, with NINE YEARS of experience with alcoholics at the time this was written, tells us that the medical community CAN'T help us. Our ONLY hope is what Dr. Silkworth calls "an ENTIRE psychic change", otherwise known as "a spiritual awakening". The OTHER part of the physical difference between an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic is that alcohol DOES something for the alcoholic that it DOESN'T do for the NON-alcoholic. If you were to ask a non-alcoholic what happens when they drink alcohol, they would tell you that they get something like an "out of control, beginning of a nauseating, slightly tipsy, I don't like this so I don't want any more" kind of a feeling. That's why they stop after a few. But when the ALCOHOLIC puts alcohol into their body, they get an "IN control, ease and inner comfort, let's get up and go into town, I like this so I'm going to get more" kind of a feeling. So that's why the non-alcoholic will say things like, "I don't want another drink because I'm starting to feel that first one." Then we look at them funny because we LIKE what it's doing for us, and that's why we're going for more. THEY are having a COMPLETELY different experience than WE are having. Then because of the way we alcoholics deal with others, with our emotions, and with life; we have a lot of inner turmoil and anxiety going on. Since we can't seem to bring about this relief, ease, and inner comfort on our own, we turn to alcohol again and again, because alcohol does for us what we can't do for ourselves. So it's important to see that if you're an alcoholic, alcohol is NOT your problem. It's your SOLUTION to your problem. We don't see the truth about the problems that alcohol causes us because we're ONLY thinking about the RELIEF that comes when we drink. That's why the AA program of working the Steps are more than just not drinking. They're about finding a comfortable way of life that doesn't include needing alcohol. There's a big difference between just not drinking, and not drinking and being happy about it. So if you cannot handle drinking AND you cannot handle NOT drinking, THEN AA's for you. Also included in that last paragraph at the bottom of page xxvi or xxviii in the Fourth Edition is the mention of another aspect of alcoholism. It is the unmanageability mentioned in Step One. It is sometimes called the spiritual malady, or untreated alcoholism, or the mental state that precedes the first drink, or the root of our problem. The spiritual malady (or spiritual illness), which is the result of being spiritually blocked off by self-centered fear, exists for us as long as we are not seeking and growing toward a spiritual solution, WHETHER WE ARE DRINKING OR NOT. The Big Book gives us many descriptions of the inner condition that occurs if an alcoholic does NOT deal with this spiritual malady. Dr. Silkworth just described their inner state as being, "restless (which means having anxiety), irritable (which means easily annoyed) and discontented (which means never satisfied)." You do NOT have to turn there now, but page 37 describes this condition as, "Nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like." Again, you do NOT have to turn there but Page 52 also describes the inner unmanageability as, "having trouble with personal relationships, not being able to control their emotional natures, being a prey to misery and depression, not being able to make a living (which includes not being able to make a successful life), having a feeling of uselessness, being full of fear, being unhappy, and not seeming to be of real help to other people." Page 73 refers to the spiritual malady in this way: "More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he DOESN'T deserve it. The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his senses, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As far as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension, that makes for (or leads to) more drinking. And page 82 says: "The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil." There are OTHER statements in the Big Book that refer to the spiritual malady or the unmanageability mentioned in Step One, but those we just read are some of the betters ones. Please keep in mind that this happens even if we are NOT currently drinking. If these conditions generally describe your CURRENT inner experience, please consider the fact that you may be suffering from untreated alcoholism (whether you are drinking or not), you may be headed toward your next drink, and you may be closer to a relapse than you think you are. It doesn't matter so much how long it's been since my LAST drink. What matters more is how close I am to my NEXT one. It's something to think about. A good way to see how you are doing with the mental, emotional & spiritual unmanagability mentioned in Step 1 (no matter how long you have been in AA), please consider doing this exercise: Step 1 Unmanageability Exercise (Expanded) The book continues with the first full paragraph on page xxvii or xxix in the Fourth Edition. This paragraph offers us some hope: "On the other hand - and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand - once a psychic change (otherwise known as a spiritual awakening) has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules (and the few simple are the Twelve Steps)." Let's move on to Chapter One, "Bill's Story", and in this part of the book the page numbers are the same in both the Third and Fourth Editions. In this chapter we learn more about the physical and mental aspects of alcoholism, and also more about the spiritual solution. As we mentioned earlier, Bill is the New York Stock Analyst who is one of our co-founders. Some people have difficulty identifying with Bill's story because he was such a low bottom, hopeless alcoholic. Here, as elsewhere in the book, we ask that you look for similarities rather than differences. Just like when we are at an AA speaker meeting, we should see where we can relate to the way he thought, the way he felt, and the way he drank, long after alcohol has become a problem. In this way, you will be able to "identify, and not compare". "Bill's Story" is 16 pages, broken up into two halves. In the first eight pages, Bill writes about what it was like and describes the progressive nature of his drinking. In a few short years he loses everything. He becomes an unemployed, hopeless drunk. Then in the second eight pages of Bill's Story, he talks about what happened and what it's like now. Please turn to regular page 8, where Bill has a moment of clarity. He realizes alcohol is his master. He is licked - defeated. Page 8, paragraph 1. This is where Bill reaches the conclusion of Step One: "No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in the bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master." But Bill can't stop drinking on this admission alone. In late November 1934, he is visited by an old school chum, Ebby T. Bill is drunk. Ebby has been sober for several months. When Bill asks Ebby how he stopped drinking, Ebby tells him in the middle of page 9, "I've got religion." Bill is shocked but he lets Ebby continue because, as he writes, "my gin would last longer than his preaching." Ebby explains to Bill that he has found a group of people who rely upon a Power greater than themselves and who try to live their lives based on spiritual principles. In 1934, this organization was called "The Oxford Group". In 1938, it became "Moral Re-armament" or "M.R.A.", and a few years ago they changed their name to "Initiatives for Change". This organization still exists today. The Oxford Group is a life-changing fellowship, which utilizes six spiritual tenets or principles. These tenets can be found on page 292 in the Third Edition or 263 in the Fourth Edition so please turn there now. The six tenets of the Oxford Group as found on page 292 in the Third Edition or on 263 in the Fourth Edition are:
Please turn back to page 12. Ebby provides Bill with the Oxford Group solution. For the first time, Bill learns about how he can move toward having what Dr. Silkworth called "an ENTIRE psychic change" by turning his will and life over to a God of his own understanding. In the middle of the page, Bill takes Step Two. Page 12, paragraph 4: "It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start from that point. Upon a foundation of COMPLETE willingness I might build what I saw in my friend. Would I have it? Of course I would!" Soon after Ebby's visit, Bill checks into Towns Hospital. There, under the direction of Dr. Silkworth, Bill is physically withdrawn from alcohol for the third time that year. While in the hospital, Bill applies the Oxford Group's Six Tenets or Spiritual Activities (which later became the Twelve Steps) and never drinks again. On page 13 in the second paragraph, Bill experiences the Oxford Group Tenet of "Dependence on a Higher Power". In other words, here is where Bill takes Steps 2 and 3. Page 13, paragraph 2: "There I humbly offered myself to God, as I then understood Him, to do with me as He would. I placed myself unreservedly under His care and direction. I admitted for the first time that of myself I was nothing; that without Him I was lost." The next line mentions the Oxford Tenet of "Moral Inventory", which is Bill's Step Four. It's followed by what later became Steps Six and Seven: "...I ruthlessly faced my sins and became willing to have my new found Friend (he is using a capital "F" here so he is talking here about God) take them away, root and branch. I have not had a drink since." When Bill wrote, "I ruthlessly faced my sins...," he is using an Oxford Group term. According to the Oxford Group, the definition for the word "sin" is anything that blocks us off from God and others. Bill then works the Tenet of "Confession" and becomes willing to go through with the Tenet of "Restitution". These actions are known as Steps Five, Eight and Nine: "My schoolmate visited me (so Ebby returns), and I fully acquainted him with my problems and deficiencies. We made a list of people I had hurt or toward whom I felt resentment. I expressed my ENTIRE willingness to approach these individuals, admitting my wrong. NEVER was I to be critical of them. I was to right ALL such matters, to the UTMOST of my ability." In the next paragraph, Bill practices the Oxford Group Tenet of "Dependence and Guidance from a Higher Power". Bill begins doing Step 11: "I was to test my thinking by the new God-consciousness within. Common sense would thus become uncommon sense. I was to sit quietly when in doubt, asking ONLY for direction and strength to meet my problems as HE would have me. Never was I to pray for myself, except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others. THEN ONLY might I expect to receive. But that would be in great measure."
The book continues by partially describing Step 12 when it says at the
bottom of page 13: "Simple, but not easy; a price HAD to be paid. It meant DESTRUCTION of self-centeredness. I MUST turn in ALL things to the Father of Light who presides over us all. At the bottom of page 14, Ebby explains the necessity of the last Tenet, which is "Continued work with others". This part of Step 12 begins in the last paragraph when Bill writes: "My friend had emphasized the ABSOLUTE NECESSITY of demonstrating these principles in ALL my affairs. Particularly was it IMPERATIVE to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead, he said. And how appallingly true for the alcoholic! (Now this next line might be one of the MOST important lines in this whole book, so please notice what it says.) For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could NOT survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would SURELY drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that." Bill takes the actions prescribed by the Oxford Group and has a sudden conversion experience. He has the "entire psychic change" that Dr. Silkworth talks about in "The Doctor's Opinion." In the second paragraph on page 14, Bill describes his spiritual awakening: "These were revolutionary and drastic proposals, but the moment I FULLY accepted them, the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory, followed by such a peace and serenity as I had never known. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through. God comes to most men gradually, but His impact on me was sudden and profound." Bill's life is drastically changed. He never drinks alcohol again, as THE result of taking certain actions. Please turn to page 17. This is the beginning of the next chapter called "There Is A Solution". At the bottom of the second paragraph on page 17 it says the following: "The feeling of having shared in a common peril is ONE element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would NEVER have held us together as we are now joined. The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism." Where we get the feeling of having shared in the common peril is in the fellowship of AA, but the book is warning us that getting involved in JUST the fellowship is NOT enough. There are TWO parts to AA's solution to alcoholism, the fellowship AND the program (which are the Twelve Steps), and we need to be involved in BOTH parts. The book continues: Please turn to the next page. The fourth paragraph on page 18 says: "But the ex-problem drinker who has found this solution, who is properly armed with facts about himself (which is another way of saying that he has worked the Steps), can generally win the entire confidence of another alcoholic in a few hours. Until such an understanding is reached, little or nothing can be accomplished." The next paragraph gives a pretty good description of what to look for in a sponsor when it says: "That the man who is making the approach has had the same difficulty, that he obviously knows what he is talking about, that his whole deportment (which means his behavior and attitude) shouts at the new prospect that he is a man with a real answer, that he has no attitude of Holier Than Thou, nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be helpful; that there are no fees to pay, no axes to grind, no people to please, no lectures to be endured these are the conditions we have found most effective. After such an approach many take up their beds and walk again." Please turn to page 22 where the authors make an important point about the mental aspect of alcoholism. The last paragraph on page 22 says the following: "We know that while the alcoholic keeps away from drink, as he may do for months or years, he reacts much like other men. We are equally positive that once he takes ANY alcohol WHATEVER into his system, something happens, both in the bodily and mental sense, which makes it virtually impossible for him to stop. The experience of any alcoholic will abundantly confirm this. These observations would be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the MAIN problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body." So, it's important to identify by asking yourself if you can relate to the physical feature of alcoholism by seeing if your drinking career reflects the inability to predict how much you are going to drink once you start. BUT, you don't have to worry about THAT part of alcoholism if you NEVER put alcohol in your body in the FIRST place. So the MAIN problem of the alcoholic centers in their mind and in their spiritual condition, because their spiritual condition controls their mind.
Please turn to page 24. Starting at the top of page the authors say the
following: The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times (not ALL the time but at CERTAIN times), to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago (and in some cases of even a day or a few hours ago). We are without defense against the first drink. The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter (or prevent) us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy (which means vague) and readily supplanted (or replaced) with the old threadbare (which means worn out) idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove." You may have noticed that the first line on this page said that, "the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely NO avail". Although a desire to stop drinking is the only requirement for AA membership, which means simply that you are allowed to sit at a closed meeting, this desire alone is NOT enough to bring about permanent recovery.
The last paragraph on this page says that: So again, we are beyond human aid. It also says this in the ABC's at the end of "How It Works" - "That probably NO human power could have relieved our alcoholism." Although a sponsor and the fellowship IS very important, they are STILL forms of human aid, and are NOT enough to bring about permanent recovery from alcoholism.
Please turn to page 30. The Big Book authors give us more about how the
mental obsession kills so many of us. Starting at the top of page 30, it
says: It's almost humorous that the "Big Book" says, "The idea that someday he will control AND enjoy his drinking is the great obsession...". If I am an alcoholic, there were times when I could do one or the other, but never both. There were times when I was controlling my drinking, but I was NOT enjoying it. And there were times when I was enjoying my drinking, but these times could not be described as having control. So, if I am an alcoholic, the times of controlling AND enjoying my drinking are long gone. They further emphasize the mental obsession starting on page 34 and continuing through to the end of the chapter, by stating again and again that, no matter HOW strong our willpower or our conviction, at CERTAIN times we are UNABLE to stay away from the first drink. Page 34, paragraph 2: "For those who are unable to drink moderately the question is how to stop altogether. We are assuming, of course, that the reader desires to stop. Whether such a person can quit upon a non-spiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not. Many of us felt that we had plenty of character. There was a tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found it impossible. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish." (That's a great description of powerlessness. The book continues) "How then shall we help our readers determine, to their own satisfaction, whether they are one of us? The experiment of quitting for a period of time will be helpful, but we think we can render an even greater service to alcoholic sufferers, and perhaps to the medical fraternity. So we shall describe some of the mental states that precede a relapse into drinking, for obviously this is the crux (or the most important point) of the problem." (Please keep this statement in mind as we go through the rest of this chapter. The examples given in the next few pages are there to show the MENTAL STATE prior to drinking. The book continues.) "What sort of thinking dominates an alcoholic who repeats time after time the desperate experiment of the first drink? Friends, who have reasoned with him after a spree which has brought him to the point of divorce or bankruptcy, are mystified when he walks directly into a saloon. Why does he? Of what is he thinking? Our first example is a friend we shall call Jim. This man has a charming wife and family. He inherited a lucrative automobile agency. He had a commendable world war record. He is a good salesman. Everybody likes him. He is an intelligent man, normal so far as we can see, except for a nervous disposition. He did no drinking until he was thirty-five. In a few years he became so violent when intoxicated that he had to be committed. On leaving the asylum, he came into contact with us. We told him what we know of alcoholism (they told him about Step 1, the physical allergy or craving for more once we take a drink, and the mental obsession that ensures that we'll return to drinking even when we stop) and the answer we had found (they told him about Steps 2 through 12). He made a beginning (so he started working only SOME of the Steps). His family was re-assembled, and he began to work as a salesman for the business he had lost through drinking. All went well for a time, but he FAILED TO ENLARGE HIS SPIRITUAL LIFE (the way we enlarge our spiritual lives is by continued work with ALL the Steps on a daily basis, going to meetings and helping others. The Big Book says that the Third Step is only a beginning, so the gentleman in this story probably did the first three Steps but then did NOT go on with the REST of the program. Also, it has been said that EVERY member of AA who has EVER relapsed, did so because of that last sentence - they failed to enlarge their spiritual life. So please stay aware of this as time passes in your OWN recovery. The book continues). To his consternation, he found himself drunk half a dozen times in rapid succession. On each of these occasions we worked with him, reviewing carefully what had happened. He agreed he was a real alcoholic and in serious condition. He knew he faced another trip to the asylum if he kept on. Moreover, he would lose his family, for whom he had deep affection. Yet he got drunk again. We asked him to tell us exactly how it happened. This is his story: "I came to work on Tuesday morning. I remember I felt irritated that I had to be a salesman for a concern I once owned. I had a few words with the boss, but nothing serious. Then I decided to drive into the country and see one of my prospects for a car. On the way I felt hungry so I stopped at a roadside place where they have a bar. I had no intention of drinking. I just thought I would get a sandwich. I also had the notion that I might find a customer for a car at this place, which was familiar, for I had been going to it for years. I had eaten there many times during the months I was sober. I sat down at a table and ordered a sandwich and a glass of milk. Still no thought of drinking. I ordered another sandwich and decided to have another glass of milk."
(Now please pay attention here because curly writing means it must be
important.) Thus started one more journey to the asylum for Jim. Here was the threat of commitment, the loss of family and position, to say nothing of that intense mental and physical suffering which drinking always caused him. He had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic. Yet ALL reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea (or the lie) he could take whiskey if only he mixed it with milk!" "Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight, be called anything else? You may think this an extreme case. To us it is not far-fetched, for this kind of thinking has been characteristic of every single one of us. We have sometimes reflected more than Jim did, upon the consequences. But there was always the curious mental phenomenon, that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it could have happened. In some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like. But even in this type of beginning we are obliged to admit that our justification for a spree was insanely insufficient in the light of what always happened. We now see that when we began to drink deliberately, instead of casually, there was little serious or effective thought during the period of premeditation, of what the terrific consequences might be." Let's go back to the top of the page and notice some of the way's the book describes the mental obsession. In the first line they call it "the foolish idea", the fourth line down it's called "plain insanity", then a few words later "lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight", six lines later "the curious mental phenomenon", two lines after that "some insanely trivial excuse", two line later "the insane idea", seven lines after that "our justification for a spree was insanely insufficient", and then two lines later "there was little serious or effective thought during the period of premeditation of what the terrific consequences might be". This is another example of how Bill Wilson likes using different words that all mean the same thing. The Book continues at the bottom of page 37: "Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs. "On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jaywalking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn't he? "You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcoholism for jay-walking, the illustration would fit exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have been STRANGELY insane. (This is kinda funny because it's saying that even for INSANE people we are strange.) It's strong language - but isn't it true? "Some of you are thinking: "Yes, what you tell us is true, but it doesn't fully apply. We admit we have some of these symptoms, but we have not gone to the extremes you fellows did, nor are we likely to, for we understand ourselves SO well after what you have told us that such things cannot happen again. We have not lost everything in life through drinking and we certainly do not intend to. Thanks for the information." (So what these people are saying is that they are only a LITTLE alcoholic, but their lives are manageable.) "That may be true of certain NON-alcoholic people who, though drinking foolishly and heavily at the present time, are able to stop (because they don't have the mental obsession) or moderate (because they don't have the allergy or craving for more when they drink), because their brains and bodies have not been damaged as ours were. But the actual or potential alcoholic, with HARDLY an exception, will be ABSOLUTELY unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize, to smash home upon our alcoholic readers as it has been revealed to us out of bitter experience. Let us take another illustration." "Fred is partner in a well known accounting firm. His income is good, he has a fine home, is happily married and the father of promising children of college age. He is so attractive a personality that he makes friends with everyone. If ever there was a successful business man, it is Fred. To all appearances he is a stable, well balanced individual. Yet, he is alcoholic. We first saw Fred about a year ago in a hospital where he had gone to recover from a bad case of jitters. It was his first experience of this kind, and he was much ashamed of it. Far from admitting he was an alcoholic, he told himself he came to the hospital to rest his nerves. (You know how it is, detoxes and rehabs are FILLED with "nerve-resters".) The doctor intimated (or suggested) strongly that he might be worse than he realized. For a few days he was depressed about his condition. He made up his mind (so he's using will power) to quit drinking altogether. It NEVER occurred to him that perhaps he could not do so, in spite of his character and standing. Fred would not believe himself an alcoholic (he never took Step 1), much less accept a spiritual remedy for his problem (if you don't take Step 1, there's no need for Steps 2 through 12). We told him about alcoholism (notice the Twelfth Step work they did back then. Again, they told him about the mental obsession and they told him about the allergy). He was interested and conceded that he had SOME of the symptoms, but he was a long way from admitting that he could do nothing about it himself. He was positive that this humiliating experience, plus the knowledge he had acquired, would keep him sober the rest of his life. Self-knowledge would fix it. We heard no more of Fred for a while. One day we were told that he was back in the hospital. This time he was quite shaky. He soon indicated he was anxious to see us. The story he told is most instructive for here was a chap ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED he had to stop drinking, who had NO excuse for drinking, who exhibited splendid judgment and determination in all his OTHER concerns, yet was flat on his back nevertheless." "Let him tell you about it: "I was much impressed with what you fellows said about alcoholism, but I frankly did not believe it would be possible for me to drink again. I somewhat appreciated your ideas about the subtle insanity which precedes the first drink, but I was confident it could NOT happen to me after what I had learned. I reasoned I was not so far advanced as most of you fellows, that I had been usually successful in licking my OTHER personal problems, that I would therefore be successful where you men failed. I felt I had every right to be self-confident, that it would be ONLY a matter of exercising my will power and keeping on guard." (Again, self-will & self-knowledge is not enough if you're an alcoholic.) "In this frame of mind, I went about my business and for a time all was well. I had no trouble refusing drinks, and began to wonder if I had not been making too hard work of a simple matter. One day I went to Washington to present some accounting evidence to a government bureau. I had been out of town before during this particular dry spell, so there was nothing new about that. Physically, I felt fine. Neither did I have any pressing problems or worries. My business came off well, I was pleased and knew my partners would be too. It was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon." (The interesting thing about what leads up to Fred's relapse is that he was neither hungry, angry, lonely, nor tired. What the fellowship calls H.A.L.T. does not apply here. If you remember, in the Jim story earlier, Jim was not having an "up" day. But Fred here is having a REALLY good day.) "I went to my hotel and leisurely dressed for dinner. (Now here's the curly writing again.) As I crossed the threshold of the dining room, the thought came to mind it would be nice to have a couple of cocktails with dinner. That was all. Nothing more. I ordered a cocktail and my meal. Then I ordered another cocktail. After dinner I decided to take a walk. When I returned to the hotel it struck me a highball would be fine before going to bed, so I stepped into the bar and had one. I remember having several more that night and PLENTY next morning. I have a SHADOWY recollection of being in an airplane bound for New York, of finding a friendly taxicab driver at the landing field instead of my wife. The driver escorted me about for several days. I know little of where I went, or what I said and did. (Sounds like he had a blackout!) Then came the hospital with its unbearable mental AND physical suffering."
(I love these next few words!)
(Notice the Twelfth Step work here again.) "Then they outlined the spiritual answer and program of action which a hundred of them had followed successfully. Though I had been only a nominal churchman, their proposals were not, intellectually, hard to swallow. But the program of action, though entirely sensible, was pretty drastic. It meant I would have to throw several LIFELONG conceptions out of the window. That was not easy. But the moment I made up my mind to go through with the process (otherwise known as Step 3), I had the curious feeling that my alcoholic condition was relieved, as in fact it proved to be." "Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve ALL my problems. I have since been brought into a way of living INFINITELY more satisfying and, I hope, more useful than the life I lived before. My old manner of life was by NO MEANS a bad one, but I would NOT exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. I would not go back to it even if I could." (And the only way he could have experienced all that is by working Steps 4 through 12.) "Fred's story speaks for itself. We hope it strikes home to thousands like him. He had felt only the first nip of the wringer. Most alcoholics have to be pretty badly mangled before they really commence to solve their problems." Many doctors and psychiatrists agree with our conclusions. One of these men, staff member of a world-renowned hospital, recently made this statement to some of us: "What you say about the general hopelessness of the average alcoholic's plight is, in my opinion, correct. As to two of you men, whose stories I have heard, there is no doubt in my mind that you were 100% hopeless, apart from DIVINE help. Had you offered yourselves as patients at this hospital, I would NOT have taken you, if I had been able to avoid it. People like you are too heartbreaking. Though not a religious person, I have profound respect for the spiritual approach in such cases as yours. For most cases, there is virtually NO other solution." "Once more (so here's ANOTHER review): the alcoholic AT CERTAN TIMES (not ALL the time but at CERTAIN times) has NO effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few RARE cases, neither he nor ANY other human being can provide such a defense. His defense MUST come from a Higher Power." So now you've been given a few examples of the fact that because of the way we selfishly perceive and live our life, we create a spiritually blocked off condition for ourselves where we need to seek relief or escape from the inner turmoil, discomfort, or unmanageability. Our mind then remembers that drinking alcohol brings about the ease and comfort we seek, but conveniently FORGETS about the trouble alcohol has caused us. When we take the first drink we then trigger the physical craving for more and more alcohol. We have a spiritual malady, an obsession of the mind, and an abnormal reaction of the body (or an allergy) to alcohol. This dooms us to an alcoholic death - spiritually, mentally, and even sometimes physically. There is additional material within these 51 pages from "The Doctor's Opinion" through to the end of Chapter 3 called "More About Alcoholism" that further explains the physical, mental and spiritual aspects of alcoholism and how our lives can become unmanageable whether we are drinking or not. If you need more proof, please read on. All we've done is provide you with some of the highlights. However, we hope we've shown you enough for you to proceed. By way of a review, let me describe what the Big Book says about Step One and what differentiates an alcoholic physically, mentally, and spiritually, from a non-alcoholic. Physically, the alcoholic has an allergy, or an abnormal reaction, to alcohol. This abnormal reaction to alcohol is a craving for more alcohol once we take a few drinks. This craving NEVER happens to a non-alcoholic. Because of this, a non-alcoholic can ALWAYS predict how much they are going to drink, but an alcoholic CANNOT. Besides the craving, alcohol DOES something for an alcoholic that it does NOT do for a non-alcoholic. When an alcoholic drinks, they get a feeling of ease and comfort; an "IN control, get up and go into town, I like this" kind of a feeling. When a NON-alcoholic drinks, they get an "OUT of control, beginning of a nauseating, slightly tipsy, I don't like this so I don't want any more" kind of a feeling. That's why they stop after one or two, and make statements like, "I don't want another drink because I am feeling that first one." Spiritually, because of the selfish and self-centered way the alcoholic views and deals with other people, their emotions, and life; they are filled with inner turmoil, discomfort, and anxiety. Since alcohol is the ONLY thing that we have experienced, which brings relief from this inner unmanageability, we turn to alcohol again and again, even though it has caused problems for us in the past. We don't see what alcohol is doing TO us, we ONLY think about what it is going to do FOR us, which describes the alcoholic's mental obsession. A NON-alcoholic's relationship with alcohol is a "take it or leave it" kind of relationship, but an ALCOHOLIC'S relationship with alcohol is a "I need it to deal with life" kind of relationship. Please ask yourself if you can relate to the experience of an alcoholic. This attachment includes all the references in the Big Book about the Physical, Mental, and Spiritual Aspects of Alcoholism Also, in the middle of the first paragraph on page 44, the Big Book makes a few statements that can be used to review the information about Step One and the direction we need to move in. In the middle of the first paragraph on page 44, it says the following: "If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely (which describes the mental and spiritual part of alcoholism), or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take (which describes the physical part of alcoholism), you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which ONLY a spiritual experience will conquer." This attachment contains a great statement about The Insanity of returning (again) to drinking. Now it's time for each of us to start our personal journey toward that spiritual experience which WILL change our lives. Let's see who is ready to take the First Step. Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. The "Big Book" authors tell us exactly what we have to do by providing us with two statements that can be turned into questions. The first one can be found in the middle of page 30: "We learned that we had to fully concede (or admit) to our INNERMOST selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion (or lie) that we are like other people, OR PRESENTLY MAY BE, has to be SMASHED." In order to smash the delusion (or lie) that we're not alcoholics, we are going to ask each of you to answer a simple question, "Are you ready to concede (or admit) to your INNERMOST self you are powerless over alcohol?" In other words, "Are you an alcoholic?" All that is required is a yes or no answer. If you're NOT convinced you are alcoholic or that your life is unmanageable, please let us know later at the end of this session. Your "sponsor" or spiritual advisor is willing to spend time with you this week to discuss your reservations. You may not be an alcoholic. We want to give you EVERY opportunity to comprehend the devastating consequences of this terrible affliction and help you identify if you are an alcoholic.
O.K., for those who are ready, let's proceed. There is another question associated with taking Step 1. On page 33 at the end of paragraph 1 it says: "If we are planning to stop drinking, there MUST be NO reservation of ANY kind, nor ANY lurking notion that someday we will be immune to (or not affected by) alcohol."
So let me also ask each of you the second First Step question: Those of you who have answered "yes" to the first question and "no" to the second question have completed Step One. Imagine preparing Boeuf Bourguignon or Grasshopper Pie without wine or liquor. Most chefs would shudder. Many gourmet cooks think that wine and spirits add essential flavor to dishes and that the alcohol evaporates in the cooking process. Not true, according to researchers at the U.S. Department of Agriculture. After testing six recipes, including main dishes and desserts, government nutritionists found that significant percentages of alcohol and wine poured into hot and cold dishes remain even after cooking. Although the overall alcohol content of the recipes tested by the government remains small, the new finding may serve as a warning for people who want to bar any alcohol from their diet. "It was assumed until now that everything would be gone after cooking," said Jorg Augustin, professor of food science and biochemistry at the University of Idaho, who prepared and tested the recipes selected by the USDA. "We hadn't given it much thought before - but we found that the retentions varied quite a bit," he said. Recipes that required less cooking time retained the highest percentage of alcohol. A Brandy Alexander pie, made with 3 tablespoons of Brandy and 1/4 cup of Creme de Cacao, retained 85% of the alcohol. Cherries jubilee, made with 1/4 cup of Brandy and flamed for 48 seconds, retained 75%. Main dishes such as scalloped oysters, prepared with 1/4 cup dry Sherry poured on top of the casserole and baked for 25 minutes, retained 45%. A chicken dish prepared with 1/2 cup of Burgundy stirred in and then simmered for 15 minutes retained 40%. A Pot Roast, prepared with one cup of burgundy and then roasted for 2 1/2 hours, retained only 5%.
Rena Cutrufelli, a USDA nutritionist, said that the agency will review its recipe files to adjust for the finding. The agency has not issued any recommendations based on these preliminary findings for people concerned with alcohol intake, such as recovering alcoholics or pregnant women, she said. Cutrufelli said, "I don't think for this small a picture you can say what affects people." A spokeswoman for the Washington-based American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists said the group has not responded to the study. "We don't really know how much alcohol is enough to cause problems," said Kate Ruddon. "But we do know it can cause fetal alcohol syndrome and other problems, we just recommend that women avoid it." The National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence also recommends that recovering alcoholics avoid foods cooked with wine or liquor. The taste alone could spark a desire to drink again. "It depends on the individual," said Jeffery Hon, a spokesman for the New York-based council. "It may be more risky for some individuals, and it also depends on how much is used in the dish."
The Physical, Mental, and Spiritual Aspects of Alcoholism. The following are Big Book references (along with commentary) that describe our basic text's description of the three-fold disease called alcoholism. Page numbers are from the Fourth Edition. - Barefoot Bill
Page xxvi:2 - "The physician who, at our request, gave us this letter, has been kind enough to enlarge upon his views in another statement which follows. In this statement he confirms what we who have suffered alcoholic torture MUST believe-that the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, ANY picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is INCOMPLETE. The doctor's theory that we have an allergy to alcohol interests us. As laymen, our opinion as to its soundness may, of course, mean little. But as ex-problem drinkers, we can say that his explanation makes good sense. It explains many things for which we cannot otherwise account." The word allergy means "an abnormal reaction to any food, liquid or substance." The alcoholic's abnormal reaction to alcohol is a craving for more alcohol once they take a few drinks. This craving NEVER happens to a non-alcoholic. Because of this, the non-alcoholic (about 88% of the population) can ALWAYS predict how much they are going to drink, but the alcoholic (about 12% of the population) CANNOT. Besides the craving, alcohol DOES something for an alcoholic that it does NOT do for a non-alcoholic. When an ALCOHOLIC drinks, they get a feeling of ease and comfort; an "IN control, get up and go into town, I like this so I want more" kind of a feeling. When a NON-alcoholic drinks, they get an "OUT of control, beginning of a nauseating, slightly tipsy, I don't like this so I don't want any more" kind of a feeling. That's why they stop after one or two, and make statements like, "I don't want another drink because I am feeling that first one." The NON-alcoholic's relationship with alcohol is a "take it or leave it" kind of relationship, but an ALCOHOLIC'S relationship with alcohol is a "I need it to deal with life" kind of relationship. They are having a COMPLETELY difference experience than we are having. Page xxviii:1 - "We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is LIMITED to this class and NEVER occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can NEVER safely use alcohol IN ANY FORM AT ALL; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things HUMAN, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve. Frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices. The message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people MUST have depth and weight. In nearly ALL cases, their ideals MUST be grounded in a power greater than themselves, IF they are to re-create their lives." Since this was written in the late 1930's, there was no metabolism research at the time, which is why Dr. Silkworth refers to it as "the phenomenon of craving." A phenomenon is something that you can see but can't explain. I hope you noticed that this "well-known doctor, chief physician at a nationally prominent hospital specializing in alcoholic and drug addiction," with nine years experience when this letter was written, points out that we alcoholics are beyond human aid. Like it says in How It Works, "Probably NO HUMAN POWER can relieve our alcoholism." Page xxviii:4 - "Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery. On the other hand-and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand-once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules." I will be including this in all three aspects of alcoholism because it touches upon them all. Although this starts by saying "men and women", you can tell as the paragraph continues that he is referring to alcoholics only. There are three references here to the physical feature of alcoholism. The first is that we like the effect produced by alcohol, and the second is that we experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by talking a few drinks (like it was said earlier, non-alcoholics do NOT like the effect produced by alcohol, which is why they only have one or two drinks and then stop; AND, why they do not have any problem staying away from alcohol if it causes problems in their life). It also says that after the alcoholic has succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a drinking spree (as THE result of an allergy or abnormal reaction to drinking alcohol). Page xxix:4 - "I do not hold with those who believe that alcoholism is entirely a problem of mental control. I have had many men who had, for example, worked a period of months on some problem or business deal which was to be settled on a certain date, favorably to them. They took a drink a day or so prior to the date, and THEN the phenomenon of craving at once became paramount to all other interests so that the important appointment was not met. These men were not drinking to escape; they were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control." They may have STARTED drinking to escape, but after they set off the craving for more alcohol by taking a few drinks, they then missed the important appointment because of their unsatisfied craving for alcohol, not because they started off by wanting to escape for a few hours. Page xxx:4 - "All these (the classifications of alcoholics described in the two previous paragraphs in the Big Book), and many others, have ONE symptom in common: they cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving. This phenomenon, as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people, and sets them apart as a distinct entity. It has NEVER been, by ANY treatment with which we are familiar, permanently eradicated. The ONLY relief we have to suggest is ENTIRE abstinence." Page 7:1 - "I met a kind doctor who explained that though certainly selfish and foolish, I had been seriously ill, bodily and mentally." Page 21:1 - "But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink." Page 22:4 - "We know that while the alcoholic keeps away from drink, as he may do for months or years, he reacts much like other men. We are equally positive that once he takes any alcohol whatever into his system, something happens, both in the bodily and mental sense, which makes it virtually impossible for him to stop. The experience of any alcoholic will abundantly confirm this." Page 44:1 - "In the preceding chapters you have learned something of alcoholism. We hope we have made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which ONLY a spiritual experience will conquer." The following is an explanation of what happens when alcoholics put alcohol into their bodies, and how it is a completely different experience compared to non-alcoholics. No wonder why non-alcoholics can't relate, and make statements like, "Can't you just stop after one or two drinks?" It shows why alcoholics can use their willpower against everything EXCEPT alcohol. Alcoholics make up about 12% of the population. The body of the alcoholic is physically different than the body of someone who is not an alcoholic. The liver and pancreas of the alcoholic process alcohol at one-third to one-tenth the rate of a normal pancreas and liver. As alcohol enters the body, it breaks down into its various components, one of which is acetate. We know now that acetate triggers a craving for more acetate. In a normal drinker, the acetate moves quickly through the system and exits. But that doesn't happen in an alcoholic. In alcoholics, the acetate of the first drink is barely processed out, so by staying in their body, it triggers a craving for more acetate. The alcoholic then has a second drink, now adding to most of the acetate of the first drink, and that makes them want a drink twice as much as the normal drinker. So they have another. Then, having almost three times the craving as a normal drinker, they have another. You can see from that point how alcoholics have no control over how much they drink. The craving cycle has begun and they have no choice but to keep drinking. Once the acetate accumulates in their body, and that begins to happen with only ONE drink, they will crave another. And how many times does an alcoholic think it would be nice to have JUST ONE drink to relax, but has many more? Now you see why. AND THIS CAN NEVER CHANGE! On top of THAT (like it's not bad enough already), alcohol is a poison because it destroys human tissue. The two organs that alcohol damages the most are the liver and the pancreas. So the more the alcoholic drinks as time passes (or doesn't drink, because the liver and pancreas also deteriorate naturally as we age), the less their body is able to processes the acetate. THAT is why alcoholism is a progressive, fatal illness. The Big Book says on page 30, "We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, NEVER better." Pretty revealing, huh. It explains many things I never before understood. But if you think about it, we never have to deal with ANY of this if we DON'T put alcohol into our bodies in the first place. So the MAIN problem of the alcoholic centers in their mind and in their spiritual condition. My mind tells me that it's okay to TAKE the first drink and doesn't see that what I'm about to do is harmful (otherwise known as the alcoholic's mental obsession or our powerlessness, even while not drinking), and if I'm NOT spiritually fit, I can't STAND being sober because my thinking and emotions are too uncomfortable (otherwise known as the spiritual malady or our unmanageability). So whether they're drinking or not an alcoholic is powerless over alcohol, because of the mind and the body; and their life is unmanageable, especially their INNER life, because of their spiritual condition. Coincidentally, the Steps deal DIRECTLY and EFFECTIVELY with both our spiritual condition and with the mental obsession. BUT, the way the alcoholic's body handles alcohol will ONLY get worse as time passes (whether they are currently drinking or not), so there is NOTHING we can do about the physical feature of alcoholism except staying away from the first drink. So that's the simple definition of what it means to be an alcoholic - we can't handle DRINKING (because of the mental obsession and the physical allergy) and we can't handle NOT drinking (because of the spiritual malady).
Page xxvi:2 - "The physician who, at our request, gave us this letter, has been kind enough to enlarge upon his views in another statement which follows. In this statement he confirms what we who have suffered alcoholic torture MUST believe-that the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our belief, ANY picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is INCOMPLETE." Page xxviii:4 - "Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery. On the other hand-and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand-once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules." Again, although this starts by saying "men and women", you can tell as the paragraph continues that he is referring to alcoholics only. Since alcohol brings about ease and comfort for the alcoholic (which it DOESN'T do for the non-alcoholic) we succumb (which means "to give in") to the desire again and again even though alcohol has caused problems for us in the past. We DON'T see what alcohol is doing TO us, we ONLY think about what it is going to do FOR us. The NON-alcoholic's relationship with alcohol is a "take it or leave it" kind of relationship, but an ALCOHOLIC'S relationship with alcohol is a "I need it to deal with life" kind of relationship. Page 5:1 - "Liquor ceased to be a luxury; it became a necessity. "Bathtub" gin, two bottles a day, and often three, got to be routine. Sometimes a small deal would net a few hundred dollars, and I would pay my bills at the bars and delicatessens. This went on endlessly, and I began to waken very early in the morning shaking violently. A tumbler full of gin followed by half a dozen bottles of beer would be required if I were to eat any breakfast. Nevertheless, I still thought I could control the situation, and there were periods of sobriety which renewed my wife's hope. Gradually things got worse. The house was taken over by the mortgage holder, my mother-in-law died, my wife and father-in-law became ill. Then I got a promising business opportunity. Stocks were at the low point of 1932, and I had somehow formed a group to buy. I was to share generously in the profits. Then I went on a prodigious bender, and that chance vanished. I woke up. This had to be stopped. I saw I could not take so much as one drink. I was through forever. Before then, I had written lots of sweet promises, but my wife happily observed that this time I meant business. And so I did. Shortly afterward I came home drunk. There had been no fight. Where had been my high resolve? I simply didn't know. It hadn't even come to mind. Someone had pushed a drink my way, and I had taken it. Was I crazy? I began to wonder, for such an appalling lack of perspective seemed near being just that. Renewing my resolve, I tried again. Some time passed, and confidence began to be replaced by cocksureness. I could laugh at the gin mills. Now I had what it takes! One day I walked into a cafe to telephone. In no time I was beating on the bar asking myself how it happened. As the whisky rose to my head I told myself I would manage better next time, but I might as well get good and drunk then. And I did." Willpower and "thinking the drink through" is not enough. Page 6:2 - "There were flights from city to country and back, as my wife and I sought escape." No matter where you go, there you are. Where you live is not the problem. Your unmanageable inner condition and your mind telling you that having a drink will help you with that - THAT is your problem. Page 7:1 - "I met a kind doctor who explained that though certainly selfish and foolish, I had been seriously ill, bodily and mentally. It relieved me somewhat to learn that in alcoholics the will is amazingly weakened when it comes to combating liquor, though if often remains strong in other respects. My incredible behavior in the face of a desperate desire to stop was explained. Understanding myself now, I fared forth in high hope. For three or four months the goose hung high. I went to town regularly and even made a little money. Surely this was the answer self- knowledge. But it was not, for the frightful day came when I drank once more." Page 21:2 - "He has a positive genius for getting tight at exactly the wrong moment, particularly when some important decision must be made or engagement kept. He is often perfectly sensible and well balanced concerning everything except liquor, but in that respect he is incredibly dishonest and selfish." Page 22:0 - "Then comes the day when he simply cannot make it and gets drunk all over again." Page 22:2- "Why does he behave like this? If hundreds of experiences have shown him that one drink means another debacle with all its attendant suffering and humiliation, why is it he takes that one drink? Why can't he stay on the water wagon? What has become of the common sense and will power that he still sometimes displays with respect to other matters?" Page 22:4 - "We know that while the alcoholic keeps away from drink, as he may do for months or years, he reacts much like other men. We are equally positive that once he takes any alcohol whatever into his system, something happens, both in the bodily and mental sense, which makes it virtually impossible for him to stop. The experience of any alcoholic will abundantly confirm this. These observations would be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body. If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic's drinking bout creates. They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so that he can't feel the ache. If you draw this fallacious reasoning to the attention of an alcoholic, he will laugh it off, or become irritated and refuse to talk. Once in a while he may tell the truth. And the truth, strange to say, is usually that he has no more idea why he took that first drink than you have. Some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time. But in their hearts they really do not know why they do it. Once this malady has a real hold, they are a baffled lot. There is the obsession that somehow, someday, they will beat the game. But they often suspect they are down for the count." Page 24:0 - "At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail. This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected. The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink. The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove. The alcoholic may say to himself in the most casual way, "It won't burn me this time, so here's how!" Or perhaps he doesn't think at all. How often have some of us begun to drink in this nonchalant way, and after the third or fourth, pounded on the bar and said to ourselves, "For God's sake, how did I ever get started again?" Only to have that thought supplanted by "Well, I'll stop with the sixth drink." Or "What's the use anyhow?" When this sort of thinking is fully established in an individual with alcoholic tendencies, he has probably placed himself beyond human aid." Page 26:1 - "A certain American business man had ability, good sense, and high character. For years he had floundered from one sanitarium to another. He had consulted the best known American psychiatrists. Then he had gone to Europe, placing himself in the care of a celebrated physician (the psychiatrist, Dr. Jung) who prescribed for him. Though experience had made him skeptical, he finished his treatment with unusual confidence. His physical and mental condition were unusually good. Above all, he believed he had acquired such a profound knowledge of the inner workings of his mind and its hidden springs that relapse was unthinkable. Nevertheless, he was drunk in a short time. More baffling still, he could give himself no satisfactory explanation for his fall. So he returned to this doctor, whom he admired, and asked him point-blank why he could not recover. He wished above all things to regain self-control. He seemed quite rational and well- balanced with respect to other problems. Yet he had no control whatever over alcohol. Why was this? He begged the doctor to tell him the whole truth, and he got it. In the doctor's judgment he was utterly hopeless; he could never regain his position in society and he would have to place himself under lock and key or hire a bodyguard if he expected to live long. That was a great physician's opinion. But this man still lives, and is a free man. He does not need a bodyguard nor is he confined. He can go anywhere on this earth where other from men may go without disaster, provided he remains willing to maintain a certain simple attitude. Some of our alcoholic readers may think they can do without spiritual help. Let us tell you the rest of the conversation our friend had with his doctor. The doctor said: "You have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. I have never seen one single case recover, where that state of mind existed to the extent that it does in you." Our friend felt as though the gates of hell had closed on him with a clang." Page 34:2 - "For those who are unable to drink moderately the question is how to stop altogether. We are assuming, of course, that the reader desires to stop. Whether such a person can quit upon a non-spiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not. Many of us felt that we had plenty of character. There was a tremendous urge to cease forever. Yet we found it impossible. This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish." Page 35:1 - "What sort of thinking dominates an alcoholic who repeats time after time the desperate experiment of the first drink? Friends who have reasoned with him after a spree which has brought him to the point of divorce or bankruptcy are mystified when he walks directly into a saloon. Why does he? Of what is he thinking?" Page 36:2 - "Suddenly the thought crossed my mind that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk it couldn't hurt me on a full stomach. I ordered a whiskey and poured it into the milk. I vaguely sense I was not being any too smart, but I felt reassured as I was taking the whiskey on a full stomach. The experiment went so well that I ordered another whiskey and poured it into more milk. That didn't seem to bother me so I tried another." Thus started one more journey to the asylum for Jim. Here was the threat of commitment, the loss of family and position, to say nothing of that intense mental and physical suffering which drinking always caused him. He had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic. Yet all reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea that he could take whiskey if only he mixed it with milk! Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight, be called anything else? You may think this an extreme case. To us it is not far- fetched, for this kind of thinking has been characteristic of every single one of us. We have sometimes reflected more than Jim did upon the consequences. But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it could have happened. In some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like. But even in this type of beginning we are obliged to admit that our justification for a spree was insanely insufficient in the light of what always happened. We now see that when we began to drink deliberately, instead or casually, there was little serious or effective thought during the period of premeditation of what the terrific consequences might be." Page 38:3 - "However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane." Page 39:1 - "But the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly any exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge." Page 41:2 - "Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all. I had commenced to drink as carelessly as thought the cocktails were ginger ale. I now remembered what my alcoholic friends had told me, how they prophesied that if I had an alcoholic mind, the time and place would come - I would drink again. They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self- knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots." Page 43:3 - "Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." Page 44:1 - "In the preceding chapters you have learned something of alcoholism. We hope we have made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which ONLY a spiritual experience will conquer."
Page xxviii:4 - They are restless (which is that sense that something's missing), irritable (which means "easily annoyed") and discontented (which means "never satisfied"), unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks. Page 15:1 - ...plagued by waves of self-pity and resentment. Page 18:1 - But not so with the alcoholic illness, for with it there goes annihilation of all the things worth while in life. It engulfs all whose lives touch the sufferer's. It brings misunderstanding, fierce resentment, financial insecurity, disgusted friends and employers, warped lives of blameless children, sad wives and parents - anyone can increase the list. Page 37:3 - Nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like. Page 52:2 - We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people - was not a basic solution of these bedevilment's more important than whether we should see newsreels of lunar flight? Page 60:4 - The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits. What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony? Our actor is self-centered - ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired businessman who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. What ever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity? Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Page 70:1 - Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk. Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience. Page 73:1- More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it. The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his sense, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As far as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension, that makes for (or leads to) more drinking. Page 82:3 - The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. Page 151:2 - The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did -- then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen -- Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand! Now and then a serious drinker, being dry at the moment says, "I don't miss it at all. Feel better. Work better. Having a better time." As ex-problem drinkers, we smile at such a sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol. Some day he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it. Then he will know loneliness such as few do. He will be at the jumping-off place. He will wish for the end. We have shown how we got out from under. You say, "Yes, I'm willing. But am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring and glum, like some righteous people I see? I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I? Have you a sufficient substitute?" Page 382:2 - "I was inwardly unhappy most of the time. There would be times when the life of respectability and achievement seemed insufferably dull - I had to break out." Page 383:2 - "The nervous tension had piled up and just had to spill over." Page 384:1 - My growing inward unhappiness was a very real thing, however, and I knew that something would have to be done about it." Page 384:3 - "...it was becoming increasingly hard to maintain my front of distinction and respectability to the world. My personality was stretched almost to splitting in the effort..."
We can use the spiritual malady references mentioned in the Big Book (page numbers provided) to review honestly the unmanageability in our CURRENT lives. The following are statements that best capture the inner and outer experience of the alcoholic for what is called in the Big Book, "the spiritual malady". The disease of alcoholism has three parts: physical, mental and spiritual. The spiritual part of the puzzle is the deepest part and is sometimes called "the root of our troubles" or "untreated alcoholism" (whether we are drinking or not). These are manifestations of being blocked off spiritually (whether we are drinking or not) & they are basically caused by self-centered fear. The Big Book says on page 62, "Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles". But remember, it then says on page 64, "When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically." That's why if we JUST stop drinking and DON'T grow spiritually, our inner life (as THE RESULT of what's listed below) continues to get worse because we haven't dealt with the root problem yet. If you CURRENTLY have unmanageability in the following areas of your life, please consider the fact that you may be suffering from untreated alcoholism (whether you are drinking or not), you may be headed toward your next drink, and you may be closer to a relapse than you think you are. It doesn't matter so much how long it's been since your last drink, what matters MORE is how close you are to your next one. - Barefoot Bill
1) Am I generally restless, irritable (which means "easily annoyed") and discontented (which means "never satisfied")? (Page xxviii) YES____ NO____.
2) Am I having trouble with personal relationships? (Page 52) Do you take care of others too much, to the point where you neglect to do the things you need to do to take care of yourself? YES____ NO____.
3) Am I having trouble controlling my emotional nature? (Page 52) Are most of your days best described as emotionally up and down? YES____ NO____.
4) Am I prey to misery and depression? (Page 52) How often in the average month are you miserable or depressed? ____ TIMES.
5) Am I having trouble making a living? (Page 52) What areas of your life are not in balance? Included here are: finances / savings / spending / credit cards /loans, your marriage / parenting / friendship / work life, education, physical / emotional / mental /spiritual health, do you set aside time for fun / for being / be alone, are you overweight, do you drink too much coffee or smoke too much, are you having problems getting or keeping a job, have you had a routine medical check-up recently, etc.
6) Do I feel useless? (Page 52) Do you often wonder why you are even alive?" YES____ NO____.
7) Is fear a big part of my life? (Page 52) How much of the average week are you experiencing fear? ____ %.
8) Am I often unhappy? (Page 52) How much of the average week are you unhappy? ____ %.
9) Am I of real help to other people? (Page 52) When was the last time you brought someone new to a meeting? ______.
10) Do I think I know what's best for everyone? Are you often like the actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in your own way? Do you believe that everybody, including yourself, would be pleased and that life would be wonderful if only they would do as you say? Can you sometimes be quite virtuous, kind, considerate, patient, generous, even modest and self-sacrificing; yet at other times be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest (depending on which will work in getting YOUR way)? Are you often a victim of the delusion that you can wrest (which means "to take away by force") satisfaction and happiness out of this world if you only manipulate well? (Page 60-61) YES____ NO____.
11) Am I driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity? (Page 62) Do you often wonder why you do what you KNOW you shouldn't be doing and don't do what you KNOW you should be doing? YES____ NO____.
12) Am I an extreme example of self-will run riot, though I usually don't think so? (Page 62) Do friends and relatives sometimes say that you are selfish even though you don't agree? YES____ NO____. Do you end relationships only because the other person doesn't act the way you think they should? YES____ NO____.
13) Am I leading a double life? Are you very much the actor, presenting to the outer world your stage character, which is the one you like your fellows to see? Do you want to enjoy a certain reputation, but know in your heart that you don't deserve it? YES____ NO____.
14) Am I like a tornado roaring through the lives of others? Do you have a habit of breaking hearts, sabotaging sweet relationships, and uprooting affections? (Page 82) YES____ NO____.
15) Are my selfish and inconsiderate habits keeping my home in turmoil? (Page 82) Are you more interested in your own needs and wants than you are with the needs and wants of your family? YES____ NO____. After evaluating these areas, can you now admit that even though you may not be currently drinking, your life (especially you inner life) is unmanageable? YES____ NO____.
From the movie "My Name Is Bill W."(c) The scene is a living room. Bill is just down from another drunk and Lois comes home from work and sees him peering out a window. Hanging up her coat, she walks into the room and asks: "Does it have anything to do with me...your drinking?" asks Lois. "No, it's not you. It's me." "Why? Why do you do it to yourself?" she asks. "I've been standing here all afternoon asking myself the same question. I look out the window and I watch all the normal people walking by. It's funny, I don't think I've ever felt really normal all my life, I mean like other people. I feel different somehow, like I don't really measure up. Ever since I can remember, I've had this feeling, deep down in my gut...scared. I see people laughing, at ease with each other. I'm on the outside looking in, afraid that I won't be accepted. And then overseas, I found that a drink...a few drinks...makes me feel comfortable, like I always want to feel. It gives me courage...to be with people, do things...to dream. The money, the success, the respect...it was all good for a while, but it never seems enough. I always want doubles of everything to make me feel alive, worthwhile inside. And then, it all began to slip away. I feel cheated, angry, always so full of fear...so I drink. More. And it makes it OK for a while. I convince myself that things will turn around, tomorrow, soon. That I'll make it all up to you. But it only gets worse. I...I keep promising you, others, myself...'That's it, no more, going on the wagon. THAT'S IT!' And I think I mean it. But the guilt and the depression...I can't look in the mirror, or at you...especially at you. I've stopped believing in everything, people, God, myself. I know it sounds insane, Lois, but in spite of all this, what I want right now more than anything else...is another drink." Continue to Working Step 2 Return to Working The Steps Index Index of AA History Pages on Barefoot's Domain As in so many things, especially with we alcoholics, our History is our Greatest Asset!.. We each arrived at the doors of AA with an intensive and lengthy "History of Things That Do Not Work" .. Today, In AA and In Recovery, Our History has added an intensive and lengthy "History of Things That DO Work!!" and We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it!!
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 On the Web Feb 24, 2003 in the Spirit of Cooperation Three mighty important things, Pardn'r, LOVE And PEACE and SOBRIETY  |
