A number of years ago I was perusing in meditation the nature of all the relationships I had ever known in my life as the result of another relationship ending. In my searching for answers, I suddenly realized that there are but three aspects which governed and defined all the relationships I have known. Much to my chagrin, I realized I have known these truths from way back in the beginning. More appallingly, I also realized how much I have lacked in my ability to apply the truths which I know to my life in a successful manner.
To the end of describing and defining for myself, (being an engineer who expresses and best presents his thoughts with pictures and sketches), I set about putting the pictures I was seeing in my mind on paper...
These sketches are presented below in the order that I perceived them, one developing from the other, and undoubtedly still not totally defined or described in any degree of completeness.
First, I needed to ask myself a question or two, like why was I or anyone else in a relationship? And the answer, of course, is to satisfy our physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs, and not necessarily our wants.
The flip side of that, again, is that if I am to have a satisfying relationship with another person to satisfy and fulfill my needs, then the responsibility for creating and maintaining the relationship rests with me, not the other person. Why? Their needs may already be met in the status quo, and they therefore perceive no need for change or growth.
I also needed to make some definitions to help my understanding of this fact: All Relationships, with One's Own Self, with Others, and with One's Higher Power, are governed by but three fundamental aspects.
They are: 1.) Communication, 2.) Affinity, and 3.) Reality.
The first - Communication, the base of all relationships. I thought I knew all about communication. After all, I thought I had been communicating since I first became hungry and let out a squall. I find that I had been talking TO people for years, but that I had very seldom talked WITH another human being.
I discovered that I had been doing "Partial Communication", incomplete and therefore not a true exchange. I find that True Communication is comprised of 5 actions, Transmission of Information, Receipt of Information, Acknowledgment of Receipt, Return Reply to Confirm the Data, and Acknowledgment of Return Receipt. In most cases, I had been simply involved in a one way spewing of data, never considering that for my data to have any validity the remainder of the actions were necessary. No wonder that I became frustrated with others not understanding what I thought I had said. The Communication was not complete, and my understanding of what I thought they understood had no basis for validity. I find that it is my responsibility to insure that all five actions are complete.
The second, Affinity, the aspect that most folks think defines a relationship (but does not, in and of itself), is all of the degrees of Likingness, from Hate and detestation on the negative end of the scale to Total, Infinite Love on the positive end. We in fact have a negative relationship with people for whom we hold resentments or grudges, whom we have not forgiven, although it may be only a one-sided relationship, an illusion, our own, in our head. This can only become positive with forgiveness.
The third, Reality, is nothing more nor less than the Agreement of what the individuals have defined as true for themselves and their relationship, and in point of fact may not be the Truth or Reality. Nevertheless, it is their truth and the reality of their relationship, and to that extent only. It need not be anyone else's truth or reality.
Probably the most common reason for the disintegration of a relationship is the broaching of Reality, the Agreement of Trust between the individuals. Of course, this is always preceded by an unresolved or hidden emotional or mental intent or reservation, a dishonesty, on the part of one individual, usually introduced or induced by a third individual, not party to the agreement.
As a point in fact, in any relationship situation, where formerly that relationship was flowing smoothly and with affinity, and it suddenly becomes upset, you can be assured that there has been an input of some sort in some manner by a third party.
All right, now that I have these definitions out of the way, the first sketch where I was trying to visualize the inter-relatedness of these aspects.
If you will look at the triangle and realize its importance, you will see that all the aspects move together, increasing or decreasing proportionately as one or the other of the aspects increase or decrease. An understanding of this relationship is a tool we can use to keep our relationships healthy and vibrant, growing to fulfillment.
Now most will say that this looks complicated, it is not, we have all used this tool... Did you ever walk into a place, see someone, become interested in that individual? First thing that happens, we move closer, we say, "My golly, you have beautiful ______, I really like ______ !" ... Of course this is something the other would want to create a reality about. So we have Agreement. Next we started talking, Communicating about the agreement, and sure enough we now have found an Affinity, and we have Created a Relationship, temporary or permanent as the case may be, depending on the further development of the three aspects.
However....... I found the problem that I have had in the maintenance of relationships, is that I did not understand how to properly apply this tool...
For instance, Communication in the relationship is breaking down.. so my natural inclination is to talk more, to tell the other we need to talk more, right? Wrong... That flies in the face of one of the first rules of relationships that I was taught by my sponsors. "You are never to tell the other what is WRONG with them" Why, you ask, if I don't tell them, who will? "We don't know, you aren't going to!" Why? Well, you know what happens if someone tells you what is wrong with you.. instant ego defense, the walls go up, and the war is on...
"Well, what am I supposed to do then?" "Do one of the other two.. do something LOVING, or Create a new Reality in something you KNOW the other wants to create as a Reality"..."Oh!"
After all, we have seen that the three aspects move together, increasing and decreasing proportionately ... Strange concept, do something Loving and get more Communication AND Reality. Who would have thought it??
As noted in the sketch, Relationships are founded on four planes, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual, most often on the physical plane first with the other planes developing in time as communication continues, as new affinities and realities are established. In truth, all relationships contain to some degree all the planes, and the area of the base of the pyramid bounded by the four planes is a measure of the completeness of the relationship.
On the Intellectual plane are all the means by which we convey reason and logic.
On the Emotional plane are the awarenesses of body language, the symbiosis of sympathy and empathy, of honest care and concern for the other . It is extremely important that we be emotionally available to our partner in a relationship. It is probably the greatest failing of men, who generally have learned to suppress feelings from an early age. We must all learn to not invalidate the other's feelings. They are theirs and are real to them. They may be mis-emotions and feelings, but they are valid nonetheless.
On the Physical plane are all the bonding mechanisms of sexuality that exist, man to man, woman to woman and man to woman.
On the Spiritual plane perhaps the greatest communication with a partner is the acceptance that each individual must come to spiritual maturity in their own manner, that each is recognized as a Child of the Creator, and that their perception and understanding is valued, acknowledged and validated. Their perception should never be invalidated, but may be led to greater understanding and maturity by example.
It also might be said that if the relationship were to exist on only one plane, it would be shallow indeed.
It can be said, in truth, that if any one of the three aspects, Communication, Affinity, or Reality, is missing there is no relationship on that plane, and if missing on all four planes, the relationship ceases to exist in its entirety. The aspect need not be the same on all four planes, just one broken link on each plane.
One other thing I might mention is that a totally negative relationship is as valid as a totally positive relationship, as long as the needs of the parties are being met.. for instance, the relationship between a masochist and a sadist, or between two people who totally hate and detest each other .... Not that I would recommend it, but they are valid. And all relationships contain to some degree, negative and positive attitudes and conditions. The conflict is what precedes and encourages growth.
From these things we can see that all Relationships are temporary at best, and to have any continuity at all, they must be created and re-created over and over again, sometimes on a minute to minute basis, as we communicate completely, establishing the realities and affinities to satisfy our physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual needs.
Ok, now that we are through with that and we are sure that our understanding is complete..... Let's go on to more learning about our relationship with ourselves and our Higher Power.
Next I asked myself why have I acted and reacted in thus and so manner, and it took a lot of searching to begin to understand that I and everyone else is governed by a set of Laws, so to speak, the Laws of Human Nature. These are demonstrable and repeatable.
I realized that the motions and laws could be depicted as a pair of wheels counter-rotating as if cross belted, in actuality two sets of wheels to describe the actions and reactions we perceive.
First, there are actions and reactions governed by an innate life mind set unique to each individual, this mind set being an unconscious attribute of that individual. Actions and reactions governed by this set of wheels are more intellectually driven than emotionally.
Second, actions and reactions governed by daily life experience, acquired in the course of time since birth, are driven by the semi-conscious, more emotionally driven than intellectually.
Our sense of well being fluctuates as our actions conform more or less to our innate life mind set.
Next, I have taken the wheels apart, separating the temporal (earthly or material) from the spiritual. Each of the wheels next shown apply to both the above sets of wheels, for in actuality they are one superimposed upon the other.
First, we see the Wheel of the Temporal Syndrome....The Laws of Human Nature governing the Temporal Actions of Mankind at the Conscious and Unconscious Levels.
It can be demonstrated that the mind processes of mankind proceed invariably in the sequence as numbered, over and over again, sometimes whirling faster, sometimes slower, but always in motion, never at rest, until the passage to the Spiritual Syndrome.. and then continuing on as spiritual growth is sought and achieved...never-ending learning, growth, consolidation, and rest, then continuing on until completion of spiritual maturity and transcendency into the ONE.
Obviously then, if your are here reading this and I am here typing it, the truth must be recognized that we are not, not one of us, spiritually mature, we have not transcended. We still have a lot to learn.
Finally, we see the Wheel of the Spiritual Syndrome ... the Laws of Spiritual Nature created by Universal Spirit, Unconscious to Mankind for the most part. We become more increasingly aware of their Presence and Truth as we Spiritually mature, as we come to Rest in the ONE.
And there you have it ... Now what are you going to DO WITH IT????
As I have said at other times, these also are things that I know -----
Peace and happiness are available in every moment. Peace is in every step.
We shall learn to walk hand in hand.
There are no political or theological solutions to spiritual problems.
There is no religion higher than TRUTH.
Remember, If the Creator put it there, it is in the right place. The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears.
I know that All must be brought into the Sacred Hoop for it to be mended. I often wonder how we will bring those who do not see even the simplest of Circles into the greatest Circle of all. Then I remember it is a thing that has been promised by Spirit.
That is how I know it will come to be.
AHO! Love and Peace!
On the Web Mar 28, 1998
Two mighty important things, Pardn'r, LOVE And PEACE